Don't Try This at Home
by FunkyWashingMachine
Summary: Lapis comes down with a mysterious affliction. Is her detest for Camp Pining Hearts to blame, or is it something more serious? Much Lapidot.


SCENE 1

[Afternoon - Lapis and Peridot are sitting on the sofa in the barn loft watching Camp Pining Hearts. Peridot is visibly more enthused than Lapis]

Lapis: What is this strange ritual?

Peridot: [knowingly] They're attempting fusion.

Lapis: I see…

[The show goes on for a bit and Lapis looks increasingly uncomfortable. Peridot, entranced by her favorite show, fails to notice]

Lapis: [scoffs and shifts in her seat] I think this awful Earth entertainment is making me sick.

Peridot: Awful? It's only just started! You can't judge the show before the Mounties show up!

Lapis: Watch me.

[Lapis gets up and leaves. Peridot hesitantly reaches after her but thinks better of it and shirks back]

Peridot: [to the empty room] And what do you mean, "sick?"

SCENE 2

[The sun has gone down, and Peridot is still watching Camp Pining Hearts by herself. Paulette is heard from the TV saying, "…and we'll always have each other" while mushy music plays in the background. Peridot looks dejectedly at the empty space beside her. Then she sighs, goes down the loft, and starts pacing the barn]

Peridot: [rehearsing] *ahem* So, Lazuli, it has come to my attention that we are not currently living out the ideal lifestyle as demonstrated in Camp Pining Hearts, but… um… or, maybe… Lazuli, if you want to be alone, that's fineeeeeee, I just wish that… oh jeez. Why do I sound like such a CLOD?

[Peridot wanders out of the barn and sees something in the distance.]

Peridot: [squints] Wha…

[she starts to run, then checks herself and walks instead toward what she saw. On the way, she steps in something wet, shudders, but doesn't let herself look at it. Her face becomes more and more concerned as she goes on. Finally, she has reached Lapis, who is curled on her side against a tree, eyes closed]

Peridot: [kneels down] L..Lazuli?

[Peridot timidly reaches out and touches Lapis' arm. No response. Peridot pulls her to a sitting position, whereupon Lapis moans, winces, and vomits dark blue chunks over the both of them. Peridot, in surprise, nearly drops her]

Peridot: Oh my stars!

Lapis: …Peridot…

Peridot: Are you… all right, Lazuli? [abashedly, as it is clear that Lapis is not all right]

Lapis: …What do you think?

[Peridot sees that Lapis is clutching her side]

Peridot: Lazuli, what IS that?

[Peridot takes Lapis' hand away. Underneath, Lapis' skin shows some dark, web-like veins. Peridot reaches toward it but Lapis slaps her hand away]

Lapis: Don't touch it!

Peridot: Then you know what it is?

Lapis: I just don't want you to touch it!

Peridot: Sheesh. I'm only trying to help.

Lapis: [scoffs] I don't think you can help me.

Peridot: [offended] Oh come on! Why don't you trust me? Besides the whole interrogation thing!

[Lapis rolls her eyes, then curls up tighter as she retches again. This time, Peridot jumps out of the way, but nothing happens]

Peridot: Is this your gem acting up? [steps behind Lapis]

Lapis: [under her breath] Don't touch THAT either.

Peridot: Well, it LOOKS fine, anyway. Do you want me to help you back into the barn or something?

Lapis: [a bit forcefully] No. [beat] But… you can stay out here with me if you want.

[Peridot sits next to Lapis and leans her head against her. It's not clear if Lapis cares one way or the other, but she does nothing. It slowly starts to rain. The two are silent for a while until Lapis seizes up in pain, crying out and falling onto Peridot. Peridot fumbles to catch her, then sees the tears on her face]

Peridot: [urgently] Lazuli, let me take you to the Crystal Gems. They'll be able to help.

[Lapis silently looks away]

Peridot: Yeah, I know, you don't LIKE them per se, but you know what *I* don't like? Seeing you this way, all…[gesticulates] on the ground and stuff, with all this emotion-fluid coming down your face, acting like you're the only one who's upset about this! Lazuli, I… [eyes welling up] What do I have to do to get you to trust me?

[Slight pause. Lapis glances at Peridot. Her expression softens as a tear slides down Peridot's cheek. She starts to stand up, and Peridot, in amazement, takes the cue to help her. Lapis nods as if to say, "let's go," and, Peridot supporting her, they slowly head towards the Temple]

SCENE 3

[Further in the woods on the way to the Temple. The rain has stopped and the sun is starting to rise. Lapis and Peridot are still hobbling along]

Peridot: [trying to be positive] Well, look at that! It's only daybreak and we've already covered so much ground, eh Lazuli?

[Peridot looks triumphantly behind, then grimaces slightly that the barn is not all that far away. She looks back at Lapis and gets a bit more solemn]

Peridot: How about we take a break?

[Lapis nods, and Peridot helps her to sit against a tree. Peridot sits beside her and takes a moment to look at the sunrise]

Peridot: You know what I want to do now that I'm here on Earth? I want to study human media, maybe critique it on the World Wide Webbernet… Steven says I could be a real hit! Which he said means popular and not actually hitting. He also said something about being invisible on a "green screen," but that comment was foolish and I disregarded it. What about you, Lazuli? What do you want to do on the planet Earth?

Lapis: [pause] I've thought about it … a little.

Peridot: Well, what have you thought about?

Lapis: I think I want to be more like Steven.

Peridot: [perplexedly side-eyeing her] Like Steven? You mean, shapeshift?

Lapis: [shuts her eyes] No…

Peridot: Become a weird human hybrid?

Lapis: [sighs]

Peridot: What?!

Lapis: Ugh… can we talk about something else?

Peridot: Okay, like the fact that we don't know what is wrong with you and that something really terrible might happen?

Lapis: Or we could just not talk.

Peridot: [brightly] Sure! Let us commence not talking! But first, what's the status of your flesh-based lesion thing?

[Lapis tenderly takes her hand away from her side. The webbed spot has grown larger and considerably inflamed]

Peridot: [tactlessly] Boy, this looks *terrible.* I mean, I don't think you can DIE from something that doesn't affect your gem, but who knows? Maybe it'll spread there! And shatter you into itty-bitty fragments! [getting more frenzied] And then I'll have to live in the barn all alone and have no one to watch Camp Pining Hearts with, and no one to chase away the cows with, and no one to-

Lapis: [pinching the bridge of her nose] Peridot…you're not helping.

Peridot: [whipping to face Lapis and effectively screaming in her face] YOU'RE RIGHT LAZULI! We're not getting anywhere by sitting around here! We've gotta get you to the Crystal Gems pronto-stat!

[Peridot leaps up and tugs Lapis to her feet. Lapis doesn't protest but looks pretty miserable.]

SCENE 4

[A spot in the woods where neither the barn nor the Temple is visible. Peridot is pulling Lapis along much faster than before, and Lapis looks all the worse for it. Finally, Lapis lets go of Peridot's hand, falls to her knees, and vomits more blue clumps, these ones distinctly wriggling for their first few seconds on the ground. Peridot, having very nearly left Lapis behind, runs back to her]

Peridot: Lazuli!

Lapis: [heaving] Peridot… I know you're trying to help, but you're just hurting me.

[Peridot's face goes from concerned to ashamed. Several moments pass, until Peridot looks up in resolve]

Peridot: Lapis. Let's fuse.

Lapis: Fuse?

Peridot: You heard me. We'll get there much faster if we're a fusion. And if I keep hurting you, then I'm going to hurt me too. [grabbing Lapis' hands] It doesn't have to be just you. We'll have *each other.*

[Peridot realizes what she's just said and blushes]

Lapis: [looking bewilderedly into Peridot's eyes] You would do that for me?

Peridot: I, uh… [blushing harder and averting her eyes]

[Lapis smiles weakly and touches Peridot's face. Peridot shivers.]

Lapis: You know, you're kind of cute when you're flustered.

Peridot: Wh- what about when I'm NOT flustered?

Lapis: Peridot, you're ALWAYS flustered.

Peridot: NO I'M NOT wait what?

[Lapis' hand slides down to Peridot's. Peridot starts to sweat]

Lapis: I don't know if I have the strength to fuse, but we can try.

Peridot: Are you ready?

Lapis: Mm hmm.

[Peridot takes Lapis' hands and helps her up. Lapis, hunched over, is fairly close to Peridot's height]

Peridot: [nervously] Ummm…

Lapis: I'll lead.

[Lapis takes a step in Peridot's direction. Peridot steps back awkwardly. Lapis brings them back again and leans into Peridot's small frame. The two sway in a poorly-timed rhythm. Lapis moves a hand to Peridot's shoulder.]

Peridot: [timid] Is this how it works?

Lapis: Put your arm around me.

[Peridot hesitantly complies]

Peridot: Now what?

Lapis: Just hold me.

Peridot: What if it doesn't work?

Lapis: At least you'll be here with me.

[Peridot jumps with abandon into Lapis' arms. They fuse]

SCENE 5

[Midday, outside the Temple. Peridot and Lapis' fusion clambers up the beach on hands and feet. Once in front of the Temple, the fusion dissipates, leaving Lapis and Peridot face down on the beach]

Peridot: [sits up and holds her side] Owww…

[Peridot rolls Lapis onto her side and brushes the sand out of her face and hair]

Peridot: Hold on. I'll be right back.

[Peridot runs up the Temple stairs and bangs on the door]

Peridot: Open up, clods!

[She looks in]

Peridot: They must be on a mission! Of all the cloddy times to be on a cloddy mission…!

[Peridot runs back down to Lapis]

Peridot: They're not here!

Lapis: I heard.

Peridot: What do we do NOW?

[Lapis reaches up and takes Peridot's wrist. Peridot shuts up, looks down, and sits down next to Lapis, holding her hand]

SCENE 6

[Nightfall, outside the Temple. Peridot and Lapis are still on the beach. A sound comes from inside the house. Peridot jumps up and runs to the door. As she reaches it, it swings open and knocks her down.]

Steven: [at the door] Peridot! What are you doing here?

[Peridot, hand on her face, says something muffled and points in Lapis' direction. Steven questioningly looks over, and Peridot starts shoving him towards the stairs]

Peridot: FIX HER, SHE'S BROKEN!

Steven: What?

Peridot: You have all the flesh-based knowledge we need! Go, go!

[Amethyst appears at the door]

Amethyst: Yo, Stee-man, didn't get enough during the mission? Well, how about we… [notices Peridot at the bottom of the stairs] oh, hey little P.

Steven: Uhh, Amethyst, Peridot's being weird again.

Amethyst: Whatever, dude. And here I thought you wanted to play fish toss. [turns back inside, ends up face-to-face with Garnet] Oh, hey Garnet. Peridot's here to drown Steven.

[Steven and Peridot have now reached Lapis. Steven is shocked]

Steven: Oh my gosh, what happened?

Peridot: Nothing out of the ordinary! All it took was 3.6 minutes of Camp Pining Hearts to infect her with some fiendish biological atrocity! She didn't even make it to the Mounties!

Steven: That's not how television works, Peridot.

Peridot: Are you sure? Are you sure this isn't…. [shifty eyes] cabin fever?

Steven: Uh, I'm gonna go get-

[Steven turns around and Garnet is right behind him]

Garnet: Hello.

Steven: Garnet!

Peridot: [runs up to Garnet] Garnet!

[Garnet steps over Peridot while she keeps babbling]

Peridot: Something really terrible has been happening with Lazuli!

[Garnet picks up Lapis and turns to Steven]

Peridot: I thought that haunted video tapes were just fiction, but it turns out I was wrong and now Lazuli is paying for my mistakes!

Garnet: [talking over Peridot] Steven. Call your friend Connie. Tell her we're going to need a favor.

SCENE 7

[Night, indoors. Lapis is lying on the couch cushions, which have been moved to the Temple gateway. Peridot and Garnet are sitting next to her, while Pearl and Amethyst hang further back. There are some supplies gathered by the cushions]

Steven's voice: Thank you, Dr. Maheswaran! We'll give these back to you soon… maybe… if they're not damaged beyond repair…or worse.

Connie's voice: What Steven is trying to say is, the Gems accept all liability in the unlikely event that these instruments are not returned in the same state they were brought in.

Steven's voice: Yes, exactly. Now, you guys should go, like, now, just in case there was something really terrible happening here that we don't want you to see, or something with really bad untold consequen-

Connie's voice: [cuts him off] Bye, Steven!

[Door slams. Steven joins the other Gems with a bag in hand]

Steven: All right! Let's see what we got here! [rummaging] Thing that looks like scissors, thing that looks like bigger scissors, thing with a pointy end, thing with a SHARP pointy end…

Pearl: Uh, Steven, you might not want to be describing the instruments in front of [glances at Lapis] …everyone.

Steven: Aww, come on, Pearl, YOU spend hours talking about your favorite swords like it's nothing!

Pearl: Yes, but not in front of the person I'm about to skewer like a-

[Pearl catches a look from Garnet. Garnet takes the bag from Steven and draws out a bottle and syringe]

Amethyst: Whoa HO! Connie got her hands on THAT!? No way would Dr. Maheswaran have snuck us THAT herself!

Garnet: [handing it to Amethyst] Amethyst, prepare the syringe.

Amethyst: All RIGHT! You mean you actually trust me with something for once?

[Garnet swabs Lapis' arm with cotton while Amethyst fills the needle.]

Steven: What can *I* do?

Garnet: Steven, I don't think you should be here for this.

Steven: What? But she's my friend!

Garnet: I know. But let me be honest. Whatever happens here is not something you should see, end of story. She knows you're here, and she knows you care about her, but you also have to care about YOU.

Steven: L-Lapis?

Lapis: She's right, Steven. Trust me.

[Steven looks down in defeat]

Steven: Uh, okay.

[Garnet rumples his hair. He hugs Lapis and goes outside. Garnet takes the needle from Amethyst and injects Lapis with it]

Garnet: All right everyone. Especially you two. [looking at Lapis and Peridot] We don't know what we're dealing with here, and we don't know how it will turn out. I want you all to be ready in case things don't go the way we hope.

[Peridot puts a hand on Lapis]

Garnet: Lapis, because this appears to be biologically based, I won't tamper with your gem unless absolutely necessary. That said, if at any point you're in too much pain, let me know. I can stop the procedure, or I can eliminate your body altogether.

[Everyone looks nervous]

Peridot: Don't worry, Lazuli. Garnet's quick, I can tell you.

[Lapis takes Peridot's hand]

Lapis: Just get it over with.

[Garnet puts on gloves, selects a scalpel and forceps, and fixes them on Lapis' affected skin. Lapis tenses]

Garnet: Lapis, this is going to hurt.

[Garnet makes an incision. Lapis flinches and inhales sharply. Garnet gives her a moment before she draws another line and starts cutting back skin. Lapis' hand tightens on Peridot's. As Garnet pierces through more flesh, Lapis starts to whimper and writhe.]

Garnet: Hold her down.

[Pearl pins Lapis' shoulders and Amethyst pins Lapis' feet. Garnet goes back to work, wicking up blue blood with a cloth]

Amethyst: Garnet? Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Pearl: Shh! Amethyst, don't distract her!

[Garnet makes a deeper cut. Lapis stifles a scream]

Pearl: Hold on, Garnet.

[Pearl lets go of Lapis long enough to grab a rag, twist it, and guide it between Lapis' teeth]

Pearl: This might help.

[Lapis shuts her eyes in apparent agreement, or else resignation. As Garnet recommences the surgery, tears start to flow down Lapis' temples. From under the cloth comes muffled moaning. Everyone else is dead silent. Peridot scoots up and cradles Lapis' head. Garnet carefully works through layers of blue tissue, with Peridot occasionally dabbing sweat off Lapis' forehead]

Garnet: It's a response to something, but I can't imagine what. Organic reactions of this sort are… unusual.

[There is distinct motion in the incision. Garnet pauses, looks perplexedly at the scalpel, and goes back in with more force.]

Garnet: It's like it's… fighting back.

[Pearl, Amethyst, and Peridot exchange worried glances]

Garnet: This is… bone?

Amethyst: Why, what's so weird about that?

Garnet: This isn't a place where bones are supposed to BE.

Pearl: [concerned] Garnet, maybe we should stop.

Garnet: Lapis?

[Lapis shakes her head. The motion seems to put her in more pain.]

Garnet: All right. I'm going to see if I can extract this, then we'll go from there.

[Garnet starts to dig around the bone. The tissue beneath it pulsates in its own rhythm. Then, it surges up, clamping around the scalpel and yanking it out of Garnet's hand. Everyone gasps]

Amethyst: Uh, I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to happen, right?

[The flesh outgrowth stretches out of the fissure, tearing skin and muscle as it goes. The Gems all back up. Soon, it bursts forth of its own accord, throbbing, tumor-like and with rudimentary limbs. Its color is murky and unclear, as it is covered in blue blood. Lapis screams in pain and finally passes out]

Garnet: Definitely not supposed to happen.

[The sentient flesh-blob, partially dissected and showing bone, jumps and attacks Garnet. Pearl and Amethyst dive to pull it off her, while Peridot ducks. It becomes clear that the blob shares some similar structure to a hand as it clamps around Garnet's throat. Peridot protectively throws herself over Lapis. Amethyst and Pearl finally pry the creature off Garnet, who promptly pounds it into the ground with a gauntlet]

Amethyst: Eesh. Hope that wasn't a vital organ, cuz now she's never getting it back.

[Garnet lifts her fist. Underneath, there is no gore, but a single orange shard]

Pearl: That's…

[Garnet picks it up]

Garnet: Jasper. This must be left over from Malachite.

Amethyst: You mean, Jasper got broken while they were fused?

Garnet: It was a terrible fusion that hurt them both. Now we know how.

[Garnet bubbles the chip]

Pearl: And the fragment must have been using material from Lapis' body to take form!

Amethyst: Mmmmmmmr, how come I never get to be the one to figure things out?

Peridot: [waves her arms] Um, excuse me, clods, are you gonna keep yapping your traps or are you gonna DO SOMETHING before Lazuli bleeds out?

Amethyst: Nah, we decided we don't like her.

Peridot: WHAT?

Amethyst: Haha, I'm just kidding, little P.

Pearl: Amethyst, that wasn't funny.

[Garnet kneels down and prepares some suture thread]

Amethyst: Oh, come on, G, are you really gonna go through all that work when you could just poof her and she'll be back better than you could make her yourself?

Garnet: Yep.

Amethyst: WHY? She's totally out!

Garnet: And therefore she can't give me her permission.

Amethyst: Ugh, okay, whatever.

Pearl: Amethyst, go… clean the instruments or something.

Amethyst: You're sure you don't want them for your scaled-down sword collection?

Pearl: Hmm…

SCENE 8

[Somewhere between hours and days later. Lapis is bandaged up in Steven's bed, and Peridot is sitting on the edge. Lapis stirs and opens her eyes]

Peridot: Lazuli! You're awake! How are you feeling?

Lapis: *groan* What happened? [she tries to get up]

Peridot: [stopping her] Careful, or you'll break the stitches.

Lapis: Huh?

Peridot: Garnet says we have to be gentle with you until you're better.

Lapis: [loopy] I don't understand anything you're saying.

Peridot: Let me know if you need anything. I'm right here.

Lapis: [squints] Why are you so much greener than usual?

Peridot: The Gems are off on a mission right now, so it looks like it's just you and me.

[Peridot starts stroking Lapis' hair. Lapis retches and hugs herself]

Lapis: Why didn't you stop me from eating that tire?

Peridot: Lazuli, you didn't eat a tire. You had a piece of Jasper's gem left inside you, but Garnet got it out.

Lapis: Did she get the tire, too?

Peridot: [sighs] Yes, she got the tire out.

Lapis: Yeah, I *am* tired out, now that you mention it.

Peridot: Then go back to sleep! I'll be right here if you need me.

Lapis: [with a dumb grin] I'm not tired, what are you talking about?

Peridot: This conversation is going nowhere.

Lapis: [winks] Then let us commence not talking! [punches Peridot]

Peridot: Ow! Aren't you supposed to be in feeble mode right now?

Lapis: [giggles playfully] Come snuggle with me, you invalid.

Peridot: [blushing] Uh… you sure?

[Lapis weakly grabs Peridot's collar and drags her to the pillow]

Peridot: Gakkkk!

Lapis: [putting an arm around her] Have I ever told you how cute you are?

Peridot: [blushing even more] Uh, you told me I get flustered…

Lapis: [touching Peridot's cheek] I should fluster you more often.

Peridot: Are... are you sure you're okay with this? You're kind of … out of it.

Lapis: What about YOU? You look so nervous.

Peridot: [defensive] I- I'm not nervous!

Lapis: Then you won't mind if I do *this.*

[She kisses Peridot on the nose]

Peridot: Oh my stars…

[Before Peridot has finished blushing, Lapis has conked back out. Peridot sighs, cozies up to her, and closes her eyes]

SCENE 9

[Later that day, in the house. Steven, Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl walk in the front door, carrying some boxes]

Steven: Boy, that was our easiest mission yet! [calling] Peridot! We got them!

[Steven brings his box up the stairs and promptly drops it upon seeing Peridot snuggling with Lapis. The thud startles Peridot awake and upright]

Steven: Peridot…?

Peridot: [caught] Eep!

[Peridot blushes, looks around wildly, and starts babbling what would have been excuses]

Steven: [points] Umm... are you…?

Peridot: NO! We are not! Now go away!

[She dives headfirst under the covers. Steven backs away]

Steven: [to Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl] Uhhhhh guys, I think we should go out for pizza aaaand stay there the whole day.

Peridot: WHATEVER YOU SAW, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK! AND YES, GO AWAY!

Garnet: Oy, Peridot, one thing before we go.

[Peridot begrudgingly gets out of the covers and peers over the balcony. Garnet gives her a thumbs-up, then leaves, followed by the other Gems]

Peridot: [annoyed and embarrassed] Nnnnnyerrrrrgh, what a rotten, cloddy thing to do!

[Peridot huffs for a moment, then looks at Lapis, sleeping more or less peacefully. Peridot nestles back against her, and, in a moment of charm, puts a hand to Lapis' face. Lapis' eyes flutter open]

Lapis: [surprised] Peridot?

Peridot: [happy] Lazuli!

Lapis: Why are you… what… um… [a look of dawning comprehension crosses her face] Ohhhhhh. Did I…?

[Lapis blushes, and Peridot draws back]

Peridot: Did you what?

Lapis: Uhhhhhh… [looking away]

Peridot: Umm, well I think there's a chance you *might* have…

Lapis: Might have what?

Peridot: Uhck… do I really have to say it?

Lapis: Did I really do it?

Peridot: [flailing] Do WHAT? You mean THIS?

[Peridot grabs Lapis' face and kisses her. Both look bewildered when they break apart]

Lapis: [blushing even more] Uh, yeah. That.

Peridot: Yeah, you did that.

Lapis: Uhhhhhh… did you mind?

Peridot: Is there a right answer to this question?

Lapis: No! I mean, I'm sorry, I didn't-

Peridot: Wait, don't be sorry! It's fine.

Lapis: Fine?

Peridot: Well, maybe "fine's" not quite the word…

Lapis: I can't believe I did that.

Peridot: Well, why not?

Lapis: Because… uh… umm…

Peridot: Because you wanted to?

Lapis: Is there a right answer to THAT question?

Peridot: Uhhhh…

[There is a pause, both Gems looking timidly into each other's eyes. Finally, Peridot cracks a smile and starts laughing]

Lapis: [nervously] What's so funny?

Peridot: The fact that YOU are also cute when you're flustered!

[Lapis gets notably more flustered, then laughs shyly]

Lapis: So… you're okay with it?

[Peridot ruffles Lapis' hair. They both laugh]

Peridot: I don't suppose you'd mind doing it again?

Lapis: No, I don't think I should mind that.

[Peridot reaches out and touches Lapis' face. Lapis does the same. Peridot leans in slowly, and they exchange a gentle kiss]

Lapis: [breathless] That's… really nice.

Peridot: Yeah… it is.

[Peridot clings up to Lapis like a baby monkey. Lapis puts an arm around her. Suddenly, Peridot jumps up, excited]

Peridot: Oh! I just remembered! There's one thing that will make this EVEN BETTER!

Lapis: What?

[Peridot scurries toward the box]

Peridot: Now that we know what was really making you sick, we can finish our Camp Pining Hearts marathon! And since Garnet said you'd be laid up for a while, we have even more time to re-watch the important parts!

[She pops a tape into the TV. Lapis groans]

Lapis: Where IS Garnet? I'm taking her offer to terminate me.

THE END


End file.
